The Pretty Boy Ghost

Hello Unicorns! I'm Clarence and in my late 30s and I live in Singapore. I'd like to share about my experience with Keith. Unlike most of the dates I met which were through apps, Keith was introduced to me through mutual friends, during the tail end of Covid restrictions in Singapore. We met for dinner with 3 other mutual friends, but the mutual friends showed up late at dinner, so it was just Keith and myself for a while until they showed up. Ok, first impressions. Because it was Covid, both of us arrived with masks on, until food was served. As we unmasked, he reminded me of a Korean boy-faced actor! Keith has bright big eyes and nicely coiffed locks. I had no expectations of him as a date and just agreed to meet everyone for a catch up and meet new friends.

I didn't feel it at first, but as the evening wore on and our friends arrived, there was a strange chemistry. The two of us ended up bidding goodbye to our friends and we hung out at a nearby park and chatted for two whole hours. We talked about everything and anything. He's into the food scene here and works in hospitality, and it turned out we have common co-workers in the past.

We reluctantly bid each other good night as we could have continued chatting for the whole night it seems. The next few days began a very intense series of daily texting. I could tell he was interested, and against my better judgement I 'went along with the flow'. After the first week of texting, we decided to meet up again. For our first date, he was super thoughtful and made a booking at a fancy starred restaurant. It was amazing and great to see him talking about his passion with food and in his element. We then met up almost every other day at his place and then at mine. Physically we were both into each other alot. A little voice inside my head kept popping up from time to time saying to me - ' this is going to fast, you aren't sure if it's just physical attraction'. I pushed the little voice away.

I had a birthday staycation the second week, and invited him to join me. Even though I didn't expect it, he brought me a nice birthday gift and took pains to explain why he got that particular one for me. For a moment I felt like wow this is really turning out great.

The Conversation

About 2 weeks later, after hanging out at his place, we went for a coffee at a nearby cafe. That's when he looked at me with his dark eyes, as if he had a question to ask.

He did.

"Clarence, what do you think of the idea of taking a pause? I mean, its been an intense 2 weeks, I'm sure you'll agree."

"What does that mean?" I asked.

"You know just to make sure we are really sure to go further," he replied.

"oh ok, I don't really know what will be different from this point forward but it's ok if you will be busy next few weeks and won't have time to meet as often, but I'll still text because it's weird for me to pause now when things are going in the right direction from my perspective," I said.

"ok Clarence, let's do that," Keith said.

So what happened was the next week or so, it felt like I was thrown under a bus and left to die. Keith stopped texting daily. He maybe replied once every 2 or 3 days.

I realised I was being ghosted by the pretty boy, and with no explanations.

It took a while, but when you are a victim of ghosting by a date that was going well, it really hits hard to have to dial down your emotional investment into that person from one day to the next. It took time, but after the second week, I got better, I stopped asking myself what went wrong, and just moved on.

About 3 weeks later, I found out Keith was hanging out with our common friends. It then became clear he had lost interest and just didn't wish to be confrontational to end it when we had 'the conversation' at the cafe.

I confided in one of our common friends, who knows Keith for many more years than I had. "Clarence it's not you, that's Keith, he has this more free spirited approach to dating, it's best if you move on, as I don't think you'll get like a verbal explanation for your closure from him".

As it was Christmas, they had the outdoor lights on, and the lighted signs read "Land of Snowflakes". I replied my friend calmly - "Isn't this what a Snowflake does? Pretty to look at but if you apply a little heat, the snowflake can't handle it and it melts and turns into shapeless water just like any other water droplet".

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What did I learn?

Though it was painful, I think a key learning I got from my experience with Keith, was to not put too much weight into the first few weeks of a relationship. What do I mean? I think for me it means that regardless of the extend of the initial attraction, it does not automatically mean this was going to be a date that can grow into a relationship. In fact, on hindsight I should have listened to the little voice and perhaps kept a bit of distance once I started feeling things were going too fast and it wasn't clear what Keith's ultimate intentions were. So my advice would be by all means invest in that initial intense phase but trust your gut, and be aware things could still go south like a switch.

The second thing I learnt (Very painfully) is not to expect an apology or explanation. For whatever reasons I was ghosted. Some psychologist friends attribute this behaviour to a fear of commitment, others say I could have misread his affection as he was mainly interested in the physical part only. In order to move on, I had to tell myself it's ok not to have closure. It was a tough advice to follow, but with time this became easier.